There are many excellent games on display at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, where I've been spending the last week working. Spending countless hours in the Kodak photographer's center, surrounded by a phalanx of monitors all tuned directly to the Olympic feeds has given me a certain access to watching the games that I have not previously enjoy.
Now, I'm not a terribly big fan of sports, I can't name more than a handful of NBA, NFL or MLB teams, and in fact I had to think for a second to come up with those letters. When it comes to sports, I'm basically a cycling fan, and that's about it.
However, the unfettered connection to the games has been fun, and the events I've seen in person have even been exciting. USA vs. Brazil in the semi-finals in women's beach volleyball was a hoot, although probably a large part of that was due to the extreme amounts revealed flesh on the "court" at any time.
The exposure (pardon the pun) to the Olympic events has at times caused a bit of an adverse reaction. There are things that just don't seem like they should be part of the competition. When I see someone competing at an event and I think "that's not even as real of a sport as curling then it shouldn't be in the Olympics. To help decide what should and should not be allowed, may I present to you my new guide to Olympic event elimination.
No event may be included in the Olympics if it can be performed in one's basement. Events that this will effect include the shooting events and table tennis. I know table tennis is popular in China, but I'm sorry, it has to go.
Exception - The winter event Biathlon may continue to be included as it includes a component that can not be performed in a basement.
No event may be included in the Olympics if it does not require a trip to the gym at least once a month, or at least requires and acceptable substitute. This includes the shooting events. Yes, I have a problem with the shooting events. They're just standing there with guns. Occasionally they move their fingers. Not a sport.
No event may be an Olympic sport if it's already included in another sport. Discus and decathlon discus, I'm looking at you two. Go to your corners, work your shit out and get back to us. Only one of you gets to play.
No event may be included in the Olympics if it utilizes a name that's already a sport. This will eliminate "handball," which is really just a version of soccer that's played indoors and requires the use of your hands not your feet. Handball is already taken by an event that's been using it longer than it could possibly have been an Olympic sport. You must pick another official name or go home.
No event may be in the Olympics if it's just a silly variation of some other event. Oops, we already kicked out handball because of the name, looks like it's out even if they pick up a better moniker. (My vote was for "handtrowbounceyball.")This would be like including walleyball. Sadly, it also includes beach volleyball, as it's just a version of volleyball that has less sand. I think we're going to have to make an exception to this one.
Exception - Beach volleyball is exempt because the girls are hot, and there are cheerleaders.
I think that's a good place to start, though I'm likely to come up with more before the Olympics are over.
Just added: No event may be in the Olympics if a horse is doing the work. Likewise, no car racing or yachts. I think the equestrian folks in the crowd know who they are.
Added 8/28/08: Any activity that's really dancing or was featured in a burlesque show is not an Olympic sport. Hula hoop routines? Are you kidding me? That's two minutes of my life I'm never getting back, times twenty "competitors." Enjoy your careers working at the floor show at Bally's Hotel and Casino in Vegas, baby!
How do you feel about BMX? It's grown men and women riding around on bikes I had when I was 8. It also brought back fond memories of that fabulous 80's film "BMW Bandits" remember that? It starred an unknown Nicole Kidman! Excellent flick!
Posted by: KBP | August 22, 2008 at 09:32 AM